charisma vs. trust

A few weeks ago, I was on my way to get a massage and reflecting on the fifteen years I have had with my massage therapist (if you’re in Martin County, Florida, Beverly is where it’s at). Not only is she experienced, professional, and intuitive, but I also feel such an incredible amount of trust and love in our relationship– it’s a rare and wonderful thing.

Throughout my career as a coach, yoga student, teacher, and studio owner, I’ve known a lot of wellness professionals. Many of them have been what I think of as super charismatic. Their personality is immediately attractive in some way– they speak the right jargon, they dress the right way, they have very white teeth– whatever it is, they’re appealing. In meeting them, you might think, “man, I want some of that.” Some of them have a gift for seeming to see into your soul, or to talk to your innermost desires.

Charisma– however undefinable it is– is an asset. I know that I (along with many other yoga teachers that I know) have a certain amount of charisma, and I’m grateful for that. Especially as a “new” yoga teacher, it was helpful to seem likable and friendly; it made my mistakes or lack of knowledge more forgivable.

But if charisma is all that we have– or if we’re using it to mask our own neuroses, or lack of skill, or to manipulate– then it’s a problem, especially if that person holds a position of power.

I’m remembering several teachers that I’ve known whose charisma shone like the gleam of their coconut-oiled skin. Part of the magic I felt in their presence was that they were so unshakeable in their assuredness. They knew they were right (about every topic you can imagine), and they could point out exactly where others were wrong. I was grateful to give my time, devotion, and money to them in order to buy myself a little bit of that magic.

Sometimes, in the yoga world, they call this kind of charisma “shakti,” which is a Sanskrit word that (in one sense, at least) means “power.” Teachers with this kind of power could not only mesmerize with their presence, but they could encourage students to move into poses they might never be able to do on their own. For an example of how very problematic this can be, we can look at two quite infamous examples (please know before you click on these links that they include graphic and disturbing accounts of sexual assault): Bikram Choudary and Patthabi Jois.

In my own experience, I found that the charisma that attracted me was an unsustainable facade– all shine, no substance– and I began to cultivate and appreciate relationships with teachers that were more wholesome and trustworthy.

The following graphics illustrate a few of the differences I’ve encountered between what I’m calling “the charismatic professional” and “the trustworthy professional.” I’m aware that I’m creating a binary here that does not always exist in the wild– but I’m hopeful that it might stimulate some thoughts or discussion.

The charismatic professional: 

Says their way is the right way. No proof required
 
Is always unconditionally"right."  No space for inquiry or other opinion


Always has an answer


Openly criticizes other viewpoints or models, sometimes for entertainment value/"likes" 

The trustworthy professional: 

Demonstrates "their way" through actions, not words 


No need to protect position; open to other viewpoints, thoughts, opinions. 


Willing to say, "I don't know."


Neutral/ open with regard to other viewpoints or models; values learning & growth
the charismatic professional:
Personality feels instantly attractive, interesting. "I want what they have!"  


Appearances  are important; they "look" the part
 

It is very clear what they are selling or representing


Relationship/sales move quickly (feel urgent)

the trustworthy professional:
Personality may feel a little boring, quiet or understated; not actively selling selves 


Appearance may not be the first thing that draws you in  


"Sales" happen organically;  demonstrate through action 


Relationship/sales develop slowly
the charismatic professional:
Feels exciting, urgent, clingy, desperate or chaotic 

You may feel jealousy/ competition with others; need to be "the most special" 
 

Need to prove loyalty or buy in to program to gain approval 


Fears loss of connection

 The trustworthy professional: 
Feels solid, dependable, consistent,  even boring.   
 

Client knows that all patients, clients or students are equally valued 



Relationships are valued for their own sake, unconditionally 

Trusts in growing connection

One more quick note: when I wrote this as an initial post for instagram, one of my friends commented that she’d been able to find a way to work with some folks who initially felt problematic due to their charisma. This got me thinking– without the power differential inherent in a teacher/student (or coach/client, doctor/patient) relationship, is the compensating charismatic figure as problematic? I can recall car salesmen, realtors, and other professionals whose initial charisma wasn’t backed with the substance I require to feel real trust– but I’m also aware that I may be biased due to my experiences! Feel free to leave a comment and share your own thoughts and experience– I always appreciate your input, and your support.

2 thoughts on “charisma vs. trust

  1. Laura, I remember the Instagram post of this and love it. I can think of people over the years, in several contexts who were one or the other. And it seems there must have been some who had some of the charismatic appeal- vibrant smile, infectious laugh, but not the already said they were right, and were also trustworthy. Now I just need to sit with it and see if I can put some names on this, or folks who were either/or. One who I never meant in person, but we all know is Obama- his charisma was all good, to me and his trustworthiness shines. Oprah has that, I remember her when she worked in Baltimore, it was a station I always watched for news, and I had a chance to attend her 2000 all day appearance in Baltimore. Thanks for this, you are very trustworthy and I felt it the first yoga class of your I took.

  2. Laura, great post. The kindest, the most trustworthy, the most compassionate and the most courageous of people do not boast they are such. They just act quietly and in a dignified manner. They do not pat themselves on the back. They just help folks or act to save people in need. Just think, when someone tells you how great they are, do you believe them? Why do they have to tell you of their value?

    This is not off the subject, but there is an old saying, beware of the quiet person. False bravado is just that – fake bravery. I am thinking of a politician who likes to tell us how great he is, but the one thing that scares him more than anything is the following – a woman armed with facts who asks questions.

    Keith

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